The One With George Stephanopoulos

2007年12月3日 发表评论 阅读评论

Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig


[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day,
I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And
bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what
about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I’d..
make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there’s always one guy. (Mocking)
"If I had a wish, I’d wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.)

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were
omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: ..Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no
reason to live!

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I’m sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe
sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what
what! …Hi.

Ross: It’s okay, y’know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What’s going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and
they’re both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they’re constantly, like, having to
reassure each other that they’re having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel
and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter.  Joey is counting his
steps.)

Joey: …Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See,
I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here’s the birthday boy! Ross,
check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we’re taking
you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I’m guessing you had an extra ticket and
couldn’t decide which one of you got to bring a date?

Chandler: Well, aren’t we Mr. "The glass is
half empty."

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October
twentieth?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn’t remember.

Ross: Ohhh.

Joey: What’s wrong with the twentieth?

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the
good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today’s the day Carol and I first..
consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I’d
better pass on the game. I think I’m just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her
lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey, let’s all do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C’mon, Ross!
You, me, Joey, ice, guys’ night out, c’mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him
in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: C’mon, Ross!

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it’ll take my mind off
it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay
check! Look at the window, there’s my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check.
There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?

Rachel: God, isn’t this exciting? I earned this. I
wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally—(opens
envelope)—not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money? I mean, what-
Chandler, look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey: Oh, you’re fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica: Yeah, yeah.

Ross: Oh, by the way, great service
tonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are
blocked by three of Rachel’s friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.  The guys pause to
stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne
all scream and hug each other.

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I’ve seen birds do this
on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping,
and your mom said you work here, aaand it’s true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron.
You look like you’re in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are
so big I can’t believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I’m a duplex.

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what’s going on with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad’s
making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we’re on the subject of
news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream
again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They
scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to
each other.]

Chandler: …Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes
it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there’s
the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)

Chandler: We’ll take a brief time out while Messier
stops to look at some women’s shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the
night that we- we first- y’know. Fact, she, uh- she never took’em off, ’cause we-we- (off
Chandler’s look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.  Chandler and Joey start to talk but
Ross stops and whines.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

Joey: -Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically…

Chandler: (to Joey) Could’ve been a peach.

Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I… I
walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop… I’m fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman’s got an ass like Carol’s!
(They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are
talking.]

Rachel: So c’mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping
Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let’s talk reality for a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I’m not.

Joanne: C’mon, this is us.

Rachel: I’m not! This is what I’m doing now. I’ve
got this job-

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Okay, I’m not just waitressing. I’m.. I,
um… I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh… and I, uh… I take the uh
dead flowers out of the vase… Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little
chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn’t tell us
about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe and Monica are in
pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends?
(She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the
contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What’s that?

Monica: Weeeell, it’s rum, and-

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to
drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over
tonight we’d have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got
cookie dough, we got Twister… (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!
But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can’t operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it’s the Visa card
people.

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what
this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there’s been
some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven’t used my card in weeks!

Monica: That is the unusual
activity. Look, they just wanna see if you’re okay.

Rachel: They wanna know if I’m okay. Okay.. they
wanna know if I’m okay, okay, let’s see. Well, let’s see, the FICA guys took all my money,
everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and
I’m getting coffee! And it’s not even for me! So if that sounds like I’m okay, okay, then
you can tell them I’m okay, okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has
left the building, can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, c’mon! (Miserably) Let’s play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying
to find their seats.]

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry… Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with
Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like
we’re not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that
night… It was the first frost…

Joey: C’mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all hanging out in the
living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You’re
doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like,
everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: …Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but
then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant
outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you
live in the Village..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a
cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn’t love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y’know, it was
clear. It was figured out, and now everything’s just kinda like…

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you’re not the only one. I mean,
half the time we don’t know where we’re going. You’ve just gotta figure at some point it’s
all gonna come together, and it’s just gonna be… un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that’s a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it
doesn’t come together?

Monica: …Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well… ’cause…. you just… I don’t
like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don’t
get magic beans? I mean, what if all we’ve got are.. beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not
laughing now, are ya pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that’s all you need,
a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He’s open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits
Ross in the face.  Chandler looks concered until he notices…)

Chandler: Hey, look, we’re on that TV thing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading
Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)’Scuse me.

Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the
phone) It says to call this number if you’re not completely satisfied with this candy bar.
Well, I’m not completely satisfied.

Chandler: Listen, it’s kind of an emergency. Well, I
guess you know that, or we’d be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill
these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don’t wanna make
any trouble, okay, but I’m in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.

Receptionist: Well, you’ll have to wait your turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you think it’ll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys
back off) Heyy…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I’m so sorry, you guys. I didn’t mean to
bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don’t have a plan.
(There’s a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza
guy!

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the
door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don’t even have a ‘pl’.

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green
pepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that’s not what we
ordered… We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you’re not
‘G.Stephanopoulos?’ Man, my dad’s gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait!
Did you say ‘G.Stephanopoulos?’

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the
street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy
with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take
this back?

Monica: Are you nuts?! We’ve got George
Stephanopoulos’ pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the
window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who’s George Snuffalopagus?

Phoebe: Big Bird’s friend.

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She
runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton’s campaign guy?
The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.

Monica: Please tell me it’s his mother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no…

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she’s walking across the floor..
she’s walking.. she’s walking.. she’s going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that’s not for
you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks
kitting foreheads.  Chandler realises it’s getting tense and goes to the receptionist
again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we’ve been here for over
an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with
the toe thing? Who’s he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks
through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c’mon Dora, don’t be mad… I know we both said some
things we didn’t mean, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t love each other. (To the
waiting room.) Y’know, I feel like I’ve lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns,
and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the girls are all out on the
balcony.]

Monica: Light still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh. Maybe they’re- napping.

Rachel: Oh please, they’re having sex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?

Monica: I think he’s shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And
then- when you do- he’s a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about
his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the
window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical
feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?

Joey: He’s right, enough, already. What is the big
deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her
for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it’s just a little more complicated…

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she
left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there’s a man on
the twelfth floor in a coma that didn’t quite hear you…

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carol was… (He mumbles
the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you’ve only been
with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There
was a whole bunch of stuff we could’ve done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the girls are still out on the
balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that
vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable…ha
haaaah!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don’t
feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

Phoebe: You’d already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: A couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that’s nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up
and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine
Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?!

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you
one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least ‘big girls’ don’t pee
in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica
and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right- where we’ve been looking all night!

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop
the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he’s only had sex with
one woman?

Chandler: I think it’s great. Y’know, it’s sweet,
it’s romantic…

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy’s a freak.. (Ross
enters off camera)

Both: Hey, buddy.

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged
to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that’s attractive.

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of
the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically,
which part was the fun part? Where’s my puck?

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.

Ross: The kid…? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh,
that’s, that’s my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers
weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I’m rubber, you’re
glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can’t do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my
puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: ‘Yes’, how about. C’mere. Gimme!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over
it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!

Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY
PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)

Ross: …Now that was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey and the girls are playing
twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot
red.

Monica: Could’ve played Monopoly, but
nooooo.

(There’s a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and
silently hands back the cushion.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to
bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it’s the Visa card
people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler
takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven’t
been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I’m okay, really.

Ross: Green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I’ve got magic beans. (Listens)
Never-never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all
collapse)

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh… I’m fine.

End

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